To the child I might not have because of Endometriosis
I’ve planned for you my whole life. Since I was a child I always knew I would grow up one day and be a mother, I am a great caregiver, and I have a natural motherly instinct. I’ve pictured what you would look like; I even have your name picked out. When my best friend died at the age of 21 years old it made me mad she would never get to know you. Little did I know, I might not get to know you either. I’ve pictured my husband as your father, I knew he would make a great dad one day, and I banked on that happily ever after kind of life together.
As the years have gone by I have grown strong in who I am as a person, and I have grown to know exactly what I want my life to be, and it has always included you.
I have Endometriosis which is an incurable disease, and as of right now, it is the reason for my infertility. I had surgery which could restore my fertility, though I am scared as hell even to try to for you again, after a year of disappointments I am just not ready to open myself up to the potential of that heartbreak again.
I am strategic, and I do think about the big picture, of course I know there are ways to push my body using medical “miracle makers” such as IVF to have you, but I am not convinced that would be right for me.
After 19 years of hellish pain, the idea of putting my body through even more is a daunting thought, and the anxieties start to creep in. Thoughts like “what happens if it awakens the endo beast and makes me sick again?”, “what will happen to my mental health if we still can’t conceive?”
The reality is that it will be a while before I am physically and mentally in a place to make the decision to try for you again, but when I do I will be weighing all of my options, though I will be putting my body and the potential risk of causing more harm at the heart and center of that decision.
To the baby I may never have because of Endometriosis, please know if I can’t have you, I will find another way to be a Mother, and because I have worked and will be working so hard to be a Mother, I will be a damn good one.